The tears....

It is the beginning of 2011. And as we can see, no traces of 2010 in neo_gillain. Again, the wheels just turn round and round, I just forget how to write. Yet, I'm back here....Lot of happenings in 2010,it can't be fully written here. Neither that I want too, it will be exhausting.

Early of the year mean a lot to most of us---end of a long holiday, start for a new thing, end of happiness, or it just plain nothing. Yet to most, the new year do bring something to their life.

As my Ariff and Aufa are getting bigger and naughtier by day, all the family members can't believe that it is time for the little one to go to the big school. Ariff going to be 7...and yes, if we look back during neo_gillain's earlier posting, Ariff was just so tiny. Yupp, he grew big, in a lot of way. "Dah besar dah sekarang,"and I know one day ariff will be taller and bigger than his papali. Aufa is 4 by this 15th January and only some people can imagine what things can come out from those tiny brain of his.

School, the start of a new era in a children's life. I nearly forget how was my early school days. To be honest, I can't remember it clearly. It is wonderful to read through the newspaper and the TV news highligtings the first day experience of this kids. On TV3 that night on 3rd of January 2011, TV3 interviewed a young boy "Dah besar nak jadi apa?"....and he answered "nak jadi Ustaz.."....and I remembered how noble the ambition is...similar to mine 23 years ago.

Ariff and Aufa had their own share of story. Ariff, as he is the first boy of our family, the attention of his first day, involve not just Ummi Ijah and the father, but also Atok and nenek. So, his first day was sent by both the parents, and they was there until the end of the school time. Escorting ariff to everywhere, teaching him how to buy food, where to eat, where to tunggu bas pakcik and what to do. That was his first day. Aufa, hmmm, first day of Tadika just few hundreds meters from Bangihom, didn't even last an hour. He cried and Nenek just brought him home. That was just an epilog of their school life...The second day the story began...

Upon arriving home from work, as usual, hearing my car parked inside the garage, the boys were jumping on the front door. As I stepped inside, both were eager to tell me their "experiences"...."Papali tadi aufa gi sekolah....aufa buat kaler kaler..".....and Ariff added on .." Aufa tadi gi sekolah dengan kawan ummi punya anak....ariff minum air soya"...... and they just continued talking, with me trying to focus.

As i remembered the day before...I asked Aufa....
"Tadi aufa nangis tak?"
and being Aufa,the "smart" boy.....he answered "Aufa tadi nangis sikit aja..."
I asked him back...."napa aufa nangis? napa nangis sikit aja?".
He answered with his look "Aufa nangis sikit aja laah....pastu aufa tak nangis dah"
Eager wanting to know, what make him stopped, what the teacher did to bribe him, "Napa aufa nangis sikit aja?"
"Aufa nangis sikit aja sebab airmata aufa dah habis dah", honestly telling me his reason.
I just could not stopped from grinning and hitting myself hearing that.

And I turned to the brother.." Haa..ariff pun nangis jugak ker?" He looked at me with his big eyes, silent. The usual stuff, something must had happened. Tadi tak nak berhenti cakap, tetiba tanya diam. "Tadi ariff pun nangis jugakkan...tadi ariff bagitau kak uswa"kak uswa menyampuk. Looking at him, i asked him "Betul ker ariff? Napa ariff nangis? Dah besar lah, buat malu aja"....

He looked at me, again silent.

"Napa ariff nangis...? Ariff nangis sebab apa?" Papali provoked him for an answer.

He finally opened his mouth slightly with a low voice, "Ariff,bukan nangis. Tetiba jer airmata ariff terkeluar. Ariff tak tahu" he answered with honest guilt and frustation in his voice and reaction. At that point, being the "strict" papali, i just took a deep breath in, squicked my mouth slightly senget, holding my giggle inside.

Their stories ended up as the family "dinner joke" that night.

Yet, as I was driving this morning to work, suddenly I realised how it was sense and the truth that my two nephew was telling. Aufa,as he said, stopped crying because "airmata aufa dah habis". Thinking about it, as I remembered the time I cried before...I did stopped, it do stopped. Why? Because as mind and emotion stabilizes it signaled the brain and the eyes to do so. So the lacrimal glands produce less tears and wallaa....we stopped crying. To my lill Aufa, what he felt and what he realized, his tears had stopped......and he was telling us the truth.

Straight away I pondered about Ariff's defensive reason that evening. "Ariff tak tahu, tetiba air mata ariff terkeluar". And yes, he was telling the truth of what he understood.

Recalling my memories,crying is mostly an autonomic body response. I remembered how hard it was to hold from not crying, when the heart was triggered. Seeing a mother talking slowly to his dying son, playing with an orphanage young girl in the middle quiet oncall night wondering how innocent she is, had a fall and a deep bruise to the knee while riding bicycle, or even when the beautician pinching my nose to take out those blackheads out during the facial session. The tears just come out, due to different reasons. IT just that us, being older with more experiences and skill to reason out, understand why the tear was there. But for Ariff......his tears just came out.....and It maybe the first real time his tear was out for that particular reason that he didn't know how to describe...."uncertainty", "insecure", "lost".....

The tears....is an amazing creation of Allah. Looking at it, this tiny drops of water from the eyes is not just what physical element that it is. Tears brought lot of meaning. Joy, sadness, pain, uncertainty, scared, confused, alone. And tears do bring relieve to most of us. Sometime, crying is what we need to keep us going. Sometime, the tears that hold us together through that lonely night. Sometime, the tears that remind us how small we are, as per creation of Allah,the Al Mighty. And at time, tears is how we convey real love in us...to our loved ones, to the creators....and to our inner self.....

It is not easy to fake tears. Yes, lot of actress manage to do it effortlessly, nevertheless, real tears can't be fake.

Sitting down facing my lappy, tiny drop of tears come out from my middle canthus of my right eyes. Why? Partly because of my itchy Right allergic conjunctivitis....and partly because I had taken it for granted....and partly because, I'm feeling good that I started getting my pondering self back...and to feel me again....